Rejection 112

Harpur Palate doesn't want my story.  They said they regretted sending me the little form square knowing how much time went into creating the story.  I appreciate you acknowledged my time and I also truly appreciate (this just occurred to me) that you took the time to read my story.  Me: a person you don't know at all, and so I understand that your time went into reading my story and maybe couldn't go into signing that little square of paper.  I'm absolutely okay with that today.  I have experienced some sort of catharsis in regard to form letters (or squares, as it were).  Send those squares.  Try to discourage me from sending more stories which necessitate those squares.

Rejection 111

Here's another bullshit exception I just made to the counting of rejections.  Both stories I submitted to the Narrative 30 Below were rejected.  I can't see counting this as two rejections, but it also seems like more than one, and so, because even I was annoyed by the counting-by-halves thing, I have declared these two rejections as one and half and now we are back in the whole number range.  Don't know what the heck I'm talking about about?  Don't worry about it.  It's over.  It's kind of like trying to teach my mom to use the new universal remote today, "It's fine.  Just press only the buttons you normally would and nothing will get messed up."  So to you, I say, pretend this never happened.  All is well again in the land of integers.

Rejection 109.5

Bat City Review rejected a few sections of my novel which I submitted as shorts, and which they referred to as "interconnected stories." I appreciated this description.  It convinced me that they read more than just two of them.  This is affirming.

Rejection 108.5

New York Tyrant, an admirably awesome magazine, prefers regular mail submissions what with stamps and SASEs and whatnot, but they also give the option to send in the three best sentences of your story via email and if they like it, you can send the rest via email as well.

I think this is a pretty nifty idea.  I took them up on this offer earlier today and was informed by Giancarlo that my sentences were good but that they were looking for something different for the next issue.  It was quick and I didn't waste the money on postage. I like this system.

Neat.

This type of rejection only gets .5 in the total count.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get another .5 rejection, but until I do, rejections will be numbered adding one to the current count; so the next one will be 109.5.  Just warning you.

Rejection 108

The third rejection of the day came from La Petite Zine.  Same as last time: French theme, blah blah blah.

Rejection 107

Argh.  The first time I got three rejections in one day, I was excited.  Now that's it's happened for the second time in the span of a week, I'm a little dumbfounded and downtrodden.  Alice Blue was at least nice about it.  They said they thought they sent me a rejection a few weeks ago, but that it must have been lost somehow.  She says she does recall being interested though, so I should send more.  Well, at least that's something.  Here comes the next one right away.

Rejection 106

Am I surprised that Ninth Letter rejected me? No. Am I wondering how to break down this barrier so that Ninth Letter and I can live as one? So that Ninth Letter stops listening to its mom who keeps telling it I'm no good, that I'm not the kind of girl it wants around? Yes. I better shape up.

Rejection 105

I'm sorry, I don't remember your name.

Memorious has rejected some poetry. I think I must have submitted to them in a blind tizzy, because the rejection arrived and I thought, "Did I submit to them?" This was the first time this has happened. Luckily, I keep a handy-dandy record in my black& white composition book and I discovered that I had indeed sent them work. I am embarrassed to tell this story, but it is true, and I suspect someone else must have forgotten they submitted work somewhere sometime in history. I do not feel alone. Where are you?

Need Help?

Alas, I am looking for more reasons to stay up late the night before I'm supposed to get up early and so I am offering many different services in exchange for little to no compensation. Lit Mag Editors, take note.  I am available to perform these services for you:

1) Slush Pile Reader - Need someone to weed through the chaff and present to you only the heartiest of grain, while sending kind and encouraging notes to the chaff?  I'm your gal. You need only to read these posts to know that I have slowly internalized the art of the rejection letter. (Also, I used to read the slush pile for The Means before they went under.)

2) Weird Craft Art Editor (title for this position attributed to H. Tim Dieselby) - Few know this, but I am quickly nearing mastery of the construction and history of "Weird Craft Art."  Does your magazine await the addition of weird craft art or need help managing the weird craft art it already has?  I can help.  Want to know how?  Well, hire me and I will make that clear.

3) Advice Columnist - Have an advice column in your magazine, but no one to spout the advice?  That's what I'm here for: to make it sound like I know what I'm talking about even if no one else does.  I'm good.  Really good.

4) Research Assistant - Need a helper to stalk someone's Facebook so you can tell if they already have a bf/gf?  Need someone to befriend the person you desire so that you can learn inside information on what they think of you?  I am the master.  This doesn't have much to do with lit mags, but who can get the editorial work done they need to when they're wasting time pining over the unattainable?

5) Television Correspondent - That's right.  You know you've wanted to add a television section to your magazine forever.  But who has time to watch and report on what you see when you're reading quality literature all the time?  For the past seven years, I have lived without a working television, but I'm ready to get back in the game.  I am willing to watch cable tv for you and tell you everything you are missing, and all you have to do is pay my cable bill.  OR, you can pay my netflix bill, and I will watch all the TV on DVD you desire of me.

All of these services I am willing to offer up for free, with the exception of the last one.  TV Correspondent deserves a salary.  Simply email me at jacjemc@gmail.com.  Thank you for your time.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Rejection 104

As the snow falls outside, so falls the wintry season of rejection, apparently.  They're coming in droves.  Today it was Smokelong.