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If Dave, Joe, Aaron, Matt and Mike of Barrelhouse really did write my rejection letter together, and they do this for everyone, I understand why it took so long. Maybe you boys could break up the work load a little, huh?
"The Editors" of Anderbo wrote me a note saying my submission was not something they "can use." I'm not sure what this means exactly, but I'm pretty okay with not being "used" by Anderbo.
Oh, Matt DiGangi of Thieves Jargon: Do you wanna make out? This is the best rejection ever.
Hey, Matt DiGangi, have you read The Game by Neil Strauss? It's about how to pick up the ladies. One of the steps is "negging" a woman. So you pay her some attention and then you insult her just a little bit to make her feel vulnerable and then the next time you're nice to her she feels way honored and wants to jump your bones.
I think, Matt DiGangi, your rejection worked for me much like "negging." And now I want you more than ever.
For those of you that aren't in the intimate space that exists between Matt and I, here's what happened: I sent Matt a story. He sent me a note back saying normally he would have accepted it despite its shortcomings. But, then, do you know what Matt did? He told me he liked this blog so much that he wanted Thieves Jargon to find a home here.
i.e. REJECTED.
Very clever, Matt DiGangi. I will be sending you more work soon. Maybe you can even book all the rooms along the west parking lot with the rejections you send me. Well, except for the one Old Sid lives in. Let's face it. He's never leaving.
And back to the Game metaphor: making out is sure to ensue in each room.
Two almost identical minimal rejections from MiPoesias and SmokeLong Quarterly stating in one line that they were both passing on my submission.
Boulevard sent a Dear-Author-sorry-we-can't-respond-personally-it's-just-that-so-many-people-think-we're-awesome letter. I understand. Sometimes I have to send a signed headshot instead of a personal note to my fans because the mailbag was just that heavy with adoration.
Well, I sent John Rosenwald another option at Beloit and he didn't like this one as much as the first. It didn't "work" for them.
I came to think about a submission as an order from a catalog today. If I had mailed them a calculator watch which they returned, saying it didn't work, and upon inspecting the calculator watch, I found it worked just fine, would I then be authorized to send it back, saying it did indeed work? That maybe what wasn't working was their capacity to use such a thing as a calculator watch?
Well, needless to say, there are many faults with this analogy. For one, they didn't order the calculator watch. I sent it to them without their asking. Also, I'm pretty sure good customer service standards don't allow me to send back working merchandise with a nasty letter. I think I'd have to send back a new calculator watch that looks like it's brand new and hasn't been through two mail journeys. But what if they don't want a replacement? Then I guess I get to keep the calculator watch myself.
Oh, no. I've confused myself again. I guess I'll wait 6 months and try again.
Sadly, my chapbook manuscript was not chosen by Brian Evenson for the Noemi Press Chapbook Contest. Luckily, Brian Evenson is judging 4,385 other contests in the next few months and so he's sure to pick something I've written as a winner. Soon, everyone will have been awarded a prize by Brian Evenson. Dreams will come true again and again.
Noo Journal didn't find my poems quite the right fit for them. Diggity darn it.
Quick Fiction stayed true to their name and sent a brief rejection in which my name and the name of my piece were plugged into an obvious form letter. Obvious because of akward spacing evident only in the copy and pasting of text. Essokay. I still have love in my heart for you. Someday you will shoddily place my name into a form acceptance letter. I can feel it in my bones.
Jackie Corley carefully reviewed my story for Word Riot, but decided it wasn't a good fit. She has invited me to try-try again. Indeed.